I've b een reflecting recently on personal sacrifice and the passage of time. In my memories last week I was reminded on Facebook, how 8 years ago, as that years Len't was about to finish, I briefly showed affections for a girl at the start of Lent that year. I felt quite burdened to surrender those feelings to God. I didn’t want to do it but I felt it was the right thing to do. I was reminded of the words of Aunt May in Spider-Man 2:
“ I believe there's a hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, givns us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride, even though sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams.”
In the end I chose to be steady… but it yielded me little. Lent passed and Easter came and the chance was gone. It was quite frustrating as a couple of close fiends have in the past made similar sacrifices for God (having been asked to surrender in turn... but on every occasion, God only made it a temporary thing and it was something he always gave back. Converesly it NEVER works that way for me. God it seems invariably wants these sacrifices to be permanent. And so it was, that after Lent ended and I was ready to leap into action once more, the girl in question had moved to anpther local town and got a new job. As it happens I worked out where that job was, but never felt it right to pick up that thread. For one it would be weird on a number of levels without bringing in the spiritual element.
In essence it feels like I've rocked up like Abraham with Isaac, and The Angel of the Lord as far as I am concerned did not stop short, and nor did he provide a ram.
Now you may think I’m a fool and I threw hope away needlessly. But I remained true even when it cost me (first time for everything lol)
As C.S. Lewis wrote in Screwtape::
“Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”
Nor do I have hope that circumstances will change in some way it some miracle. I’ve been around the block enough to know the rules of the game.
Sometimes you can’t expect a fairytale or Job-like turn around. What matters is faithfulness to the Most High and you just have to trust that good will come of it, not necessarily in the way you conceive or imagine.
Will the door open again at this late stage? Incredibly doubtful. Will some over course correction prove to be the case? I do not see how and don't have reason to hold out hope.
For now, I’m good… I can only hope that my cost meant something to The Lord and that in some small way, on some day… I’ll be remembered like Rachel.
I think I'll leave it there with I wrestlea video from the sountrack of Spider-Man that includes quotes that reflect the rhings I wrestle with,
But I shall say this.. may God be praised in wherever the walk leads.
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