Perfect Storms

OK so it seems I have gone quiet again... so what has happened?

Truth be known, February wasn't a great month for me, not at all; in fact it turned out to be something of a perfect storm.

I started out quite low on fuel (that is to say I'd been watching out for a few of my friends who had been struggling lately and had felt very little in the way of input from my peers). That in itsaelf I could contend with, until it seemed that the Almighty decided to weigh in with something of a surprise...

It was the first Sunday in February and I found myself attending a commissioning service presided over by thate new Bishop of Coventry The Right Reverend Christopher Cocksworth. In his sermon he focused in on one verse...

just one tiny, little verse...

It was however a verse that I have history with. It was Genesis 2:18, which reads:

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.

Why should that verse cause me such a problem? Well, quite simply it's the verse I used to appeal to God with when highlighting the situation in my personal life. It was quite literally as if God was holding a delayed action mirror up to me.... and all the emotion I'd been pourring out to him over those years in the past was being knocked back into my court.

I felt slightly aggrieved to say the least. You see I'd made a bit of a commitment last year not to revisit that area of my life and just get on with things. I felt very strongly that God had "broken the ceasefire" don't misunderstand me here, God is sovereign and knows what is best for every one of us... if he decides to break the ceasefire it's because he as the right to do so... and IS right to do so...

... that doesn't mean you have to like it though. It also doesn't mean that it won't hurt.

After the service, a good friend asked the question why myself and three other people seemed to have been left in the cold while so many other people were sorted.

At the time I remember stating something along the lines of in my case that maybe it was because i wasn't prepared to sell out and compromise my beliefs just to get what I wanted.

It just so happened that the next Sunday was Valentine's Day which for me at least,is normally a non-event... in fact this is something I've grown used to from childhood (except for a period of a few years when I wish it had been a non-event). Normally I just pay it no heed and get on with the day... telling myself it's just a stupid commercial thing that cashes in on people's emotions.

However as I was still feeling raw from my experience the week before, I couldn't handle it as well as I normally would. In fact... so bothered was I, that had I not been on coffee that morning I would definitely have skipped on church (I knew it was a dead cert it would come up in the sermon because I knew the style of the vicar who was preaching that day).

I sooooo wanted to do a Jonah, but it was not to be.

I then started to hear of another friend's suffering, and I started to become quite angry with people who were from my perspective "living the dream" and yet complaining about extremely minor problems while ignoring the plight of those around them.

It seems the view becomes extremely clouded when you sit atop an ivory tower.

The third element of my perfect storm came within a week of these things.... and I cannot discuss it openly because it would do more harm than good.

Suffice it to say that a sitiuation arose that left me feeling surplus to requirements and extremely underappreciated. It was made worse by the way it was handled (both in the way it was sold to me, and the logistics of how it came about). It meant that on what was meant to be a day of celebration, I was feeling extremely awkward.

And following this, I received an email that made it clear things had not just been falsely sold to me... but to others as well, and a response was required that as of this time I have not felt able to commit to.

The worst of it though has been the stonewall silence of a few people. When I was extremely low, I poured out how I felt and recieved no response at all... oh that's not true, within 6 hours I had a request for help from them which coincided with their ignorance of how I felt.

I'm not naming them... I'm not the sort to do that, but something has changed. Normally I'd suck this up and just accept it. I'm not doing that anymore. In the past I'd be worried about people concerned reading this... for fear of it affecting friendship negatively. However that isn't really the truth of things is it? The fact is that I have no reason to hide my feelings on this... for it is they who are the belligerent party.

We are now moving into March and I'm finding as I emerge from the crucible of February's inferno, a new sense of resolve deep within on many fronts.

I have realised that in terms of relationships, hen you say you'll leave something a lone... what you do isn't nearly as important as how or why you do it. I've sat out of circles where I could meet people... but by doing that I've retained the issue at centre circle, I should have actually got out there and been more social and just put the issue in a cupboard... but no I had to be a martyr. This I seek to change.

As to friendships, I'm going to be more assertive. The friends of mine who are truly in need, I'm going to rally and lift. Those who are taking advantage of my symbiotic nature and behaving in parasitical manner are going to learn that there is no holding back now. If they cross me, they will know about it. I recently came across a clip from an old western:

Ok so it isn't the greatest of flicks but the message is clear:

In all your dealings with me, you may believe that I don't think or act in a manner that you are used to in your dealings with others; that is merely because of the way I choose to act in response to you. It's not that I don't know how perhaps I should respond like others... I just chose not to before because you matter to me. However, do not forget that I also matter... and from now on you will understand that it wasn't because I didn't know how to responbd like everyone else, I just don't typically have a mindset where I have a use for those responses. Don't confuise the two different states of mind.

Or to put it another way and to quote a recent Thor graphic novel:

"There is only one difference. In this time, and this place, I am no longer holding back."
 





NB I appreciate this was a long and fairly angsty post but I wanted to get my muse, my writing mojo back... and this seemed a good way to clear the air in a manner that might achieve that.