Grappling with God

I genuinely feel positive about the coming year, a lot of the obstacles in my life will fall away next year. It's been kind of like a race where I've started several hundred yards behind everyone else... and 2007 will see me cross the start line!

However, there is one thing that genuinely scares me. I have this feeling that at some point early in 2007, God is going to "call me out".

Over the past few days I have been very worried about a couple of things, which were leading me to feeling trapped and made me fear I was being sent down a road I did not wish to travel. I worried that I might have no choice or as a dear friend of mine once put it, that my only choice might be "eat the poo or don't eat the poo." Basically take what you don't want or go hungry. In the end it was just paranoia and nothing came of it... but I had been so depressed by the concept that I had sat up in prayer for an hour in the middle of the night, voicing my anger and my distress.

I've lately been thinking about the passage in Genesis where Jacob physically wrestles God... actually thinking doesn't nearly describe it, I've been obsessing over it. I've read it a couple of times and I've printed off three different sermons from the Internet concerning it, in the hope of discovering what the personal relevance is for me at this time.

Jacob seemed to be trapped between a rock and a hard place. He was uncomfortable with going forward and he couldn't turn back. He was in such a state, he divided his family, servants and belongings into two groups and sat alone on the banks of the river Jabbok, meditating and praying. God knew what was required and instead of patting him on the back and saying "don't worry Jacob it'll be OK", he materialises in physical form, not far from where Jacob was praying. With no distractions, it's just Jacob and God... so what does Jacob do? He decides to lay the smack down on God.

Not a good plan!

One thing I have in common with Jacob is my tenacity and stubborn nature... I don't give in easily. Jacob was never going to win, but he sure wasn't going to quit. God throws Jacob's leg out of whack to shorten the conflict... and that was the moment of epiphany. Jacob was fighting God for a blessing... but all of a sudden, he was no longer trying to beat it out of God... he was holding onto God in desperation. If he let go, God could have left and not blessed him.

God did bless Jacob in the end, actually he had always blessed him, but from now on Jacob realised that he was dependent on God's blessing and embraced him.

People fear God's sovereignty because they foolishly try to understand it in human terms. If a mortal man were to get absolute power, it would corrupt him absolutely. God is not bound to the same curse as us. You could argue that God was being selfish and unfair by doing what he did to Jacob... but ultimately that encounter benefited Jacob and the whole of humanity. What is good for God in the long run is good for us. Or as the writer of Hebrews put it so eloquently:

"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

I have the feeling I'm going to have my nuts busted by God at some point early in the new year... but on the whole I think that'll probably be a good thing. Something I think I really need to learn, is that God's plan for me isn't just a yoke. He isn't just going to lead me into relationships that i have to tolerate... he's going to lead me into green pasture, people and things I can delight in... because ultimately I'm going to need those blessings to help sustain me later on.

To close with, I've embedded the video tribute to Johnny Cash's "God's Gonna Cut You Down", something for us all to think about there I think...

Things to Come

I sadly have not yet had the honour of becoming a parent, knowing the agony and ecstasy of watching something that is a part of you grow up and realising their own personal destiny.

However, I am knowledgeable enough to realise that when a child is born, nobody really knows quite what to expect along the rocky path of pilgrimage that is life on Earth.

Though this is true of every child, it was especially the case with Jesus Christ - not just for his parents, but for all those around him.

When you look at a child it easy to project your own ideas and aspirations about who or what he shall be... because to our eyes a child is an open book.

Even if you take the slightly unsubtle angelic gesture proclaiming the birth of Christ, then just a week into his natural life... Jesus was causing a lot of commotion.

Simeon spoke of him:

"This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too."

I wonder what Mary made of that? As far as we know, it is the first time she had any hint that the life of Jesus would be marked with controversy and suffering.

A short while later and Mary, Joseph and Jesus get a visit from some foreign wise men. They bring gifts "gold for a king", no surprise there... that's in line with what the angel said... Son of David, reigning over his kingdom - no problem. "Frankincense for a priest" - hmm interesting - whatever could that be referring to? After all Jesus was of the tribe of Judah - not Levi. What could it mean? Finally, "Myrrh" for the grave. Now everybody dies... but these gifts were to signify that kingship, priestly virtue and death were to play a major role in Jesus destiny. What could it all possibly mean?

As Jesus grew into a healthy teenager, favoured by God and men... he began to openly recognise the unique nature of his relationship with God in heaven. Hew began to say and do things that made his earthly family uncomfortable.

Eventually as a man, he struck out on his own... pursuing his Father's business, THE Father's business - namely making known the good news of the Gospel message: healing the sick, giving sight to the blind, feeding the hungry, raising the dead, proclaiming the forgiveness of sins and the coming of the Kingdom of God.

Just three and a half years later, his body hung limp on a cross - bruised, battered, cut to ribbons, drained of blood and life.

Just three days after that he was ALIVE. Not just revived, he had gone beyond death and become something so magnificent and wonderful... we can barely grasp the concept.

No one could have seen that coming as he lay gurgling away in the straw of Bethlehem. Who could have seen it?

My Christmas message to you is simply this:

What is Jesus to you? What do you expect from him? Is he merely forever frozen in time and space as an infant fairy tale on a stained glass window? Is he a wise teacher? Or is he the magnificent and wonderful risen Lord who comes to change the destiny of mankind? My challenge to you, whatever you see Jesus as this Christmas... is to let him grow in your heart.

"Don't be afraid!" That is what the angels said to the shepherds... and that is what I say to you. Don't worry about what Jesus will become in your heart, or fret over who or what that will lead you to become. Unleash God in your heart and just wait and see what happens.

God bless and Merry Christmas!

Nick

The morn of Christmas Eve

Today is quite surreal for me. It is Sunday, but my church doesn't have a service this morning, because it's got a midnight service in the evening. It does have a kiddy carol service in the afternoon but the style of that service won't suit me., so I don't feel like walking or cycling 2.5 miles just to go.

There is a service at my hometown church, but I struggle at that church - the prayers and songs are done in very much the kind of style I criticised in my "Madvent" post. I can handle St. Nick's in small dose. As I will be going to the midnight service at that church, I will skip this morning.

So for the first time in a long while I find my self at a loose end on a Sunday morning.

I'm going to spend a little time cooking up a Christmas blog that I shall post later today, but for the most part I shall be chilling out listening to my Last FM radio station or viewing my Myspace profile.

Most importantly I must remember to walk around St. Nicholas church and pray for the midnight service just before going in. It's a tradition I started two years ago. I went to the service with a couple of friends and was embarrassed because the vicar preached about nothing but store loyalty cards - no mention of Jesus whatsoever. St. Nick's is rocky soil, it is very hard for anything to grow there... I should know, it is where my journey of faith started. I have resolved every year since to walk around the church and pray for that service. Do you know what? The past two years I have done this, have had some of the most evangelical sermons I have heard in that church.

I'm also looking forward to going to church with my sister who would probably describe herself as a lapsed Christian. It is fun because she enjoys joining me on my mission of "positive mischief". When it comes to the prayers, she will say them slowly with me, rather than race through them in a single breath like everyone else - for pities sake we are talking to God, not commentating on a horse race! We will both belt out the carols at the top of our voices... and we will both miss out the line of "Once in Royal David's City", that I theologically disagree with.

So apart from having an opportunity to praise God, I also have an opportunity to be a bit of a rogue (albeit for the right reasons), and to have a lot of fun.

Don't be deceived into thinking the Christmas tradition of the Midnight service is dull... if you know what you are doing it is anything but dull.

I Have Seen Him...

Christmas is well and truly coming.

I have encountered the jolly bearded one three times already.

I was typing on the computer when I heard the familiar sound of Christmas carols booming from a loudspeaker... and I lost all conscious thought as a long established childhood instinct took over. My heart stated racing and I frantically ran round looking for my wallet and my camera, the doorbell rang and I race to the door to be greeted by an elf. I made a donation and was given a dairy milk chocolate bar from Santa. You see, every year the local Round Table go round raising money for charity b y towing Santa round all the town streets on a trailer. There is something quite magical about it. For a few short minutes you are transported back through the mists of time until you are that little boy or girl, filled with the excitement of Christmas spirit again (not that I am saying adults cannot get excited... but it is a different kind of excitement).

When Santa had waved and raced past me at a blistering pace of 5 miles an hour, I found my mobile phone and sprinted up the other end of the road and captured him in all his glory:

It's kind of a fun photo because it almost looks as if he is magically teleporting into the street surrounded by a mystical aurora of light.

Earlier in the week I had received an anonymous tip off from an elf that... yes indeed, Santa was going to be visiting my best friend's street the night following his visit to me. Rob set the kids up for an early bath that evening and I stood on sentry duty, watching out for Santa from the back bedroom window.

Sure enough the telltale sound of Elton John's "Get into Christmas" came booming through the streets of Alcester, I sounded the alarm and Rob got his kids ready just in time to see Santa arrive in the close!

The following night, I was walking to the supermarket to get some food when Santa shot past me on his trailer... and he was clearly doing it for kicks. He was stood waving from his trailer as the utility truck that was towing him powered up the Birmingham Road suspiciously close the speed limit.... I hope he didn't get pulled over... what are the odds of Santa not being over the limit?

Actually I have to confess to having delusions about one day being Santa myself. Lets face it, I have the right name and I'm a Christian too which makes me a saint (saints in the correct context aren't men and women in fancy stained glassed windows with shimmering halos, they are just believers in Christ)! So therefore I already am Santa Claus because that is what his name is - Saint Nicholas! The only trouble with this is that I'm not fond of alcohol and I'm nowhere near rotund enough. Below is an image that might give you an idea of what I'd look like if I became Santa... do you think I'm up to the task?

If you don't pass this way again before Christmas... may you have a blessed one.

Is the Bad News Over?

So police have arrested a man - Tom Stephens, over the murder of 5 prostitutes in Suffolk. I have been praying for a swift and accurate resolution to the case since the middle of last week.

I only hope they've got their man.

Earlier the BBC were a little lax with the story and published it on their website with the name, age and photograph of the man held, citing their source. If the man turns out to be innocent and released... what might the BBC say in their defence if the man receives pages and pages of abusive messages on account of their faux pas?

As yet I appear to be the only person who has picked up on this error. I just re-checked the story. They appear to have put the aforementioned image back up now.

My guess though is that the police would not have named him if they weren't confident that this was the man they were after.

In unrelated news, hopes of a resolution to the investigation side of Baby Lilly's death have been raised after the police arrested, questioned and subsequently bailed a South Warwickshire woman on suspicion that she had concealed a birth. Lilly herself rests in peace in Great Alne, at the church I attend. Sadly, it turns out that a 16 year old girl has admitted giving birth to another baby and concealing the birth... resulting in a police search of a quarry in Worcestershire. Twice in one year - this is terrible!

However in all these cases, it would appear that an end is in sight and for that we must be grateful. I will continue to pray about the Suffolk murder enquiry until I feel certain that police have brought the inquiry to a successful conclusion.

A Hard Lesson Relearned

Sometimes you know things on a subconscious level, but you need to be reminded of them in very real ways.

On Sunday I visited a dear friend at a church service she was attending; it was an opportunity to talk about various things and pour out what has been in or on my heart. She was asking me if I'd heard some good news she had come across, which I had... but in truth, that "good" news had been like bitter waters to me.

A friend has been blessed greatly this year... in a way that I have waited patiently for myself for quite some time. It was a bitter pill to swallow because his morality in such matters has from my perspective been rather dubious. Personally I find "all's fair in love and war" to be a principle that is greatly at odds with "love your neighbour as yourself", but without going into the details, lets just say he never saw a problem in living by both attitudes... at least not around me.

Some times we have a right to be angry... but just because anger is righteous under certain circumstances, it doesn't mean we should always embrace it. We would be justifiably angry if we were smacked in the face and yet Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek. If Jesus had reacted to righteous anger all the time he felt it, he would never have died for us. Is there anything under the sun that is more worthy of righteous anger than the torture and murder of the innocent? If Jesus could turn aside his anger at being unfairly punished at human hands... should we not do the same for the comparatively much smaller things that irk us?

God convicted me on the way back home on Sunday, whilst riding the bike in the pouring rain. While I mulled over the anger I felt, he put a scripture in my heart it was from the parable of the Prodigal Son:

"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'" Luke 15:28-30

I was acting just like that older brother. "Ah! but", I protested "The prodigal son was repentant when he was blessed, I don't feel that has happened". Then God laid on my heart one of my heroes from the Old Testament - Josiah. Josiah's father and grandfather were deeply dodgy men... godless men in fact. Yet God in his wisdom blessed these men with a line of succession. Why not cut off evil men where they stand? Well, if God had done that... Josiah would never have been born and the reforms that held back judgement from Judah for a generation, would never have taken place.

I have repented of my anger and there has been a marked difference in my attitude to the person who wounded me. I have been much more civil... it may not be deserved, but God requires it of me nonetheless.

When Jesus commanded us to love our enemies he said that God makes the sun and rain fall on good and evil men alike. As you live your daily life, you will discover that both good and ball, wonderful and terrible things happen to both the righteous and unjust. Instead of trying to consider whether we or other people are getting our just desserts... we should remember that the big story is not about us. As Shakespeare said:

"All the world's a stage,And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts"

Here is the conclusion of the matter. God is sovereign and his love is unconditional. He has mercy on whom he has mercy and he has compassion on whom he has compassion. By his sovereign choice he blesses who he will, whether they be unrepentant or righteous. In his wisdom he knows the good that will come eventually. Nothing is wasted.

For those of us who still wait for the sweet gentle rain of blessing to kiss our lands; we should remember what the Father said in the story to the older son who felt grieved by waiting, while his disobedient brother was blessed:

"My son, you are always with me, and everything I have is yours."

Madvent!

Today marks the first Sunday in the Church Calendar.... it is the start of a new year - Advent Sunday.

Needless to say everybody at church ended up running around like headless chickens because various things went missing. The prayer for the lighting of the advent ring couldn't be found. Rather than see this as a difficulty, I chose to see it as an opportunity. So I grabbed the service sheet, a pen and pad and then decided to invent my own advent prayer:

Jesus - Light of the World, you stepped down into the darkness of our lives and came to transform us with your love. As we light this candle, help us to remember with thanks that you came to save us by your death and resurrection; and looking forward , prepare our hearts for your glorious return. Increase our love and strengthen our hearts that we may be blameless in your sight. In your name we ask this. Amen.

Despite the fact the "official" prayer was found, we still used mine as well. It sounds like it may well be used again in the coming weeks. The ironic thing here is that I'm normally opposed to liturgy, and yet a simple prayer I created as a one off, now looks like it may well become a form of "unofficial" liturgy.

I should add that it's not liturgy itself I resent, some of the words are quite inspirational. What I'm resentful of is the habit in traditional churches of following the same pattern of service and using the same prayers over and over again. Prayers should not be recited parrot fashion, they should be from the heart. In services dominated by liturgy, it becomes so easy to flick an unconscious switch and drift off into autopilot mode. This is saddening because if you listen to people do this, they sound like something from popular culture... a race of automatons without feeling, emotion or individuality...

That's right, when I hear people praying without passion it sounds like the Borg. If you say a creed, don't murmur it... it is supposed to be the core of what you believe... not just fancy writing on a page. As for the Lord's Prayer... I wouldn't dare pray that without considering the awesome nature of the words. Just go away and think about what each line actually means and you will see what I mean. It CANNOT be prayed lightly.

I want to challenge people over how they worship. The things you are passionate about as a person, define you? What are you passionate about? Where do your passions lie? Do you reach down into the very depths of your soul and... no matter what you find there, pour it out in the way you express things? Though a stroke of the brush does not guarantee fine art, I firmly believe that everyone is an artist. We each have the capacity to be passion ate about things... and to convey that passion through speech, song, paintings, poetry and praise and worship.

Dare we be anything less? I'd like to encourage people to make a new resolution... to pour everything out from the core of their being... the pain, the elation, the joys the sorrows, the agony and the ecstasy.

It is our passion that reveals what we care about. Lets show it.

Debtwatch 2

Walked into the bank.

The outstanding loan figure this morning stood at £2862.50 (after interest). I walked into the bank and pulled out a sawn off shot... ahem I walked into the bank and transferred £300 from savings and £200 from a work bonus I received and transferred it to the flexiloan. At close of play tonight, £310 will transfer as normal onto the loan and despite interest going on, the simple fact remains that I have by the grace of God practically clobbered two months off my final repayment time.... HUZZAH!!!!!

According to my calculations, this will bring me towards a completion date of 1st August.

This month is a real acid test though. I have drained my resources down as far as I dare. Christmas is coming and I have friends and family to take care of...

...oh yes and one rogue tooth that requires a filling on Tuesday.... fun fun fun! Still at least I'll get half a day off work. Oh and may I say a special thank you to my father who decided to watch a spy thriller where some thugs did a DIY dentistry session on some poor bloke using nothing more sophisticated than a Black & Decker power drill!!!!!!!

I have three weeks left before I break up for the New Year, a new year full of hope and promise already.

I estimate that if I have the will to, over the next six months I can push to bring that clearance date forward by two more months. However, realistically I need to make sure I have enough money to pay my way at Scripture Union camp next year. I think I might save up for one more definite advance payment and then see how I fare over the remaining course.

Anyway, just signing off my second report as to how God is continuing to bless me in my attempts to get back on financial level terms.

Again I want to encourage and remind you that whatever millstone is hanging round your neck... emotional, financial, sinful, physical, mental... it is not too heavy for God to take off of you if you let him.

On a much lighter note, here is a pic of the present I've got Benji.... I can't stop pressing the eye laser button. The battery will be flat by Christmas at this rate.

Loan balance as at 1st December 2006: £2052.50