Revelations from a Quiet Place

It's taken me some time, but I'm now ready to share the profound experience I had on my birthday with you. It's taken on new significance since I saw the latest episode of Lost, where Locke enters a sweat lodge to communicate with the island.

I woke up on Tuesday and opened my cards. One of them was handmade by Jenni and contained a verse from Psalm 37. Another card from Rob, Susan, Benji and Katy was based on one of Rob's paintings and was called shine, it has a man standing with arms outstretched on a sunny hilltop beside a tree.

"Shine" by Rob Barley

I am certain that Rob had remembered a conversation we had had earlier about my desire for a late November birthday where the sun was shining and leaves were still on the trees.

Rob telephoned me later and suggested that I might like to visit one of my "thinking places". I looked out the window and saw that I had been blessed with a sunny day after all... and there were indeed leaves on the trees. So I packed my Bible into my bag and headed off up to Cold Comfort Lane. Now most of my old thinking places are long overgrown from my childhood days, but as time has gone on I've been fortunate to find new ones opening up. Thinking places for me are small and subtle. They normally follow a simple format... a strong tree next to a gentle brook that is slightly off the beaten track. Such places are a good place for me to hammer out things that are on my heart, mind and soul. If you don't have one... I strongly recommend you find yourself one. They have proved invaluable to me in the past.

Anyway, after about 15-20 minutes, I reached my destination and sat myself down on a large knotted root of an oak tree. I entered a short period of prayer and allowed myself to be immersed in the Holy Spirit before reading out Psalm 37, it's a long one so I'll pull out the most relevant points:

"Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away.

Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause
like the noonday sun.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when
men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. "

and...

"Consider the blameless, observe the upright; there is a future for the man of
peace. "

Both these scriptures are very relevant to me at the moment. I have seen people receive earthly blessings that they have not lived up to a standard of having been worthy to receive... and yet I remain untested... still a sapling while their trees blossom. However, I feel God is acknowledging my feelings but saying that I should not let the success of such people become a distraction. God has a plan for me and he has clearly already begun it. I should spend what time there is enjoying my relationship with him. When the time comes, when everything starts to kick off... all those needs will be provided for.

I just need to remain at peace with God and myself and the circumstances I find myself in... until the time is right.

It just goes to show, that you only have to allow yourself to be available to God ina quiet moment... and he can reveal so much to you.... though don't expect it to be what you want - that is arrogance. Instead, expect it to be what you need - that is obedience

For those of you who found all that a little heavy going, here is a picture of me as drawn by my godson Benji...

"Uncle Nick" by Benji Barley

Not good... definitely not good!

Being a bright and optimistic soul, I want to share with you a positive experience I had on Tuesday (it was my birthday... but that was not the reason, it was merely the catalyst). However, before I do that I need to clear some of the crud out the way... as I don't want it to taint that post. So I've decided to dedicate this brief post to a couple of negative things - just to get them out of my brain. Do not worry, this is not drastically bad... I just want to close the book on them.

Right then. Lets kick off!

1. My X Rays came back from the dentist and it appears I have a cavity. Now despite the fact I haven't needed anything doing for light years... and the fact that within the past 2 years I have completely come off fizzy drinks and cut down on sugary foods... it appears I'm going to have to have some work done.
   
2. Warwickshire County Council have waited a staggering almost half a year before informing me that I need to pay for the clean up of a tiny patch of oil after I wrote my antiquated car off in July. They make it out be the Exxon Valdez disaster when in actuality what was deposited was minuscule... and had dirt put down over it by myself at the time. Apparently they sent in a clean up crew out of hours (unnecessary as it wasn't even on a main A or B road). The total amounts to £188.32 - nice! Furthermore I am highly suspicious at the length of time it has taken them... have they deliberately waited until the season of goodwill to have an opportunity to urinate on my yuletide log? Or maybe, just maybe I'm paying for the Senior Accountant's Christmas Party! I'm not eliminating either scenario.
   
3. Finally, I decided to treat myself to a Chinese on Tuesday to celebrate my birthday... unfortunately the humble meal that appeared to be chicken fried rice, evolved into something far more deadly within my bowels... and despite a noble effort by myself to go to work the next day... I was sent home looking greyer than a rainy Thursday afternoon in winter. Let me just say I'm going to spare you from the gory details.

Now in an effort to remain optimistic and not get bogged down by that crud... here are the things I have to say in response to these meagre obstacles.

1. When I rang up the dentist to rebook I was told it was likely only a fifteen minute job and not prohibitively bad. As I will have just finished paying my insurance for my car (how bizarre is that... I'm paying for a car I no longer possess?), the amount should probably be equivalent... so although it doesn't improve my finances it certainly doesn't look like it'll do me in for Christmas.
   
2. Ah yes, talking of insurance... seeing as the County Council are a third party... I can't see how my insurance provider can wriggle out of this one. It seems fitting, as when they paid out on my car... they ignored all the evidence I gave them about it's condition and refused to negotiate on a woefully poor payout price. If push comes to shove, I should have it covered... but I have no intention of letting them pull a fast one on me.
   
3. I have always been blessed with a decent constitution... and after having 14 hours of solid rest... I was up and running again - even playing chase with my 4 year old godson. Nature of Nick is irrepressible. Needless to say though, that when I go out tonight to celebrate my birthday with a few mates... we won't be stopping off at a takeaway.

OK I've emptied the rubbish and I've answered it too! That leaves the way clear for me to talk about good stuff.

Blessings for now.

Nick.

Grey Rights

Why is it that society is changing in such a way that anything exclusive must be evil?

I am writing of course, in response to the news that the Christian Union at Exeter University has become embroiled in a legal battle over it's membership and enrolment criteria. Now call me what you will, but I believe that if an organisation exists for a specific purpose that fundamentally defines it's very identity, then it has every right to take steps to protect the factors that decide the nature of it's existence.

It is considered rude and bad form to attend a restaurant - be it Indian, Chinese, Thai, Mexican, Italian or French... and demand an English dish. You go to those places to partake in their unique flavour and cultural offerings, you don't go to subject them to your own bland demands... or at least you shouldn't. Why should it be any different for religion or gender for that matter?

Why do we all have to go into the cosmic blender and become congealed into a morass of grey blandness? Sometimes I look at other blogs that are emblazoned with the "Embrace Diversity" banner... and I wonder what the authors understand by that statement? I am sure they fall into two groups. There are those who believe that diversity is about believing everything in culture is equal without question... that we should all have a shared morality that encompasses all belief. There are also those who believe that everybody is equal and entitled to their beliefs... but do not necessarily believe that all those beliefs in themselves are equal. I'm more inclined to believe the latter. I think we can learn from one another's beliefs... but I feel we are wrong when we try to supplant our own agenda (be it liberal or conservative) into a belief system. Don't get me wrong... I have nothing against using examples from one religion to suggest that in actuality it is pointing to another... but to actually change a people's religious practices without them changing their religion... isn't conversion, it is just hybridization.

In a couple of earlier posts I've pointed out that I don't think it's right to expect non-Christians to have to comply with Christian standards if they don't subscribe to the faith. Now I'm turning the argument on it's head. I am defending Christianity's right to maintain it's own standards in the face of outside cultural pressure. I don't want to force my culture on humanity... but I expect humanity to share that same level of respect for my culture. I don't want people who have no interest in a relationship with Jesus Christ... dictating the terms of religious doctrine to me - that is irrespective of whether such people are conservative or liberal.

True diversity lies in accepting and respecting people despite what differences you may share.

If we are going to start accusing people of discrimination on the basis of exclusivity... then I am going to start using ladies toilets... it is discriminative to ban men from any toilet on the basis of their gender. Of course I'm not serious... I only intend to illustrate how ludicrous it is to legislate such things.

Poppycock!

I decided to leave this blog until after Remembrance Sunday, because although it relates directly to the subject of remembrance... I did not want to cross swords on that day.

Basically I have been very annoyed at the tactics of Ekklesia, a Christian think tank. I have grown very cynical over the precise nature of think tanks... and I am especially skeptical about the motives of think tank organisations that purport to be speaking out from a Christian perspective - "my own backyard".

Why?

I feel that these organisations are ego driven, attention getting monstrosities... they seek to make a name for themselves and bend society towards their own particular ideologies. What has angered me recently is this story, reported by the BBC last week.

I believe Ekklesia have deliberately and (conveniently for themselves) missed the point. By making anti-poppy statements in the days prior to Remembrance Sunday, they must have known that they would easily spotted on the political radar. Essentially they have stated that the poppy detracts from the Christian message because as a symbol, it implies that redemption can be achieved through military sacrifice.

I can't understand how anyone would seriously believe that. For me, the poppy has always been about remembering the heavy price that men and women have paid in the past... to safeguard the freedoms I have in the temporal world. Their sacrifice holds no meaning for me in terms of eternal salvation... nobody would claim it did... least of all the servicemen, many of whom came back with precious little to hold on to in this life. I know of a Burma veteran who when he arrived back in his hometown, fell out of his taxi and grasped the church gates to regain his footing. Emotionally that man never let go of his desperate hold on those gates... he endured terrible sufferings - but he knew there was a man - Jesus, who lived and suffered unjustly on account of him... and that helped sustain the veteran until he died.

I believe Ekklesia callously did this to make a name for themselves, just like Christian Voice did several years ago. They have conformed to the pattern of this world in their desperate and cynical cries for attention.

I have always remembered the price that was paid for me so that I could live with temporary earthly freedoms.

I will never forget the price that was paid for me so that I could live in eternal freedom with God my Father.

A longstanding tradition of mine during Remembrance Day is to misquote Churchill and use it as an opportunity to remember Christ's sacrifice. Jesus is the Man of Sorrows and is familiar with all our sufferings... sufferings that men who lay down their lives in defence of freedom, to a certain degree share. I will never confuse the differences in magnitude between those sacrifices... no matter what similarities they may share.

"Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few."

"Never in the field of human history was so much owed by so many to one man."

The Fate of Tyrants

Today marked one of those odd days when I found myself agreeing with Tony Blair... it really doesn't happen very often, I assure you... but when it comes to capital punishment I stand in vehement opposition alongside him. Whether that is Saddam Hussein... or some unknown offender

I know many will disagree and ask how could anyone allow a man who has overseen such vile atrocities to live?

Personally I do not believe that the taking of life does anything to satisfy the terrible injustice of losing loved ones... however numerous the body count may be. Furthermore I cannot understand how any Christian can condone the organised extermination of the unsaved. Where is the spiritual logic?

God clearly asks (rhetorically):

"Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked? declares the Sovereign LORD. Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live?"

Ezekiel 18:23

and in the same passage says:

"Rid yourselves of all the offenses you have committed, and get a new heart and
a new spirit. Why will you die, O house of Israel? For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!"

Ezekiel 18:31,32

It seems to me that a lot of people on the religious right do not share this attitude... and this where I have a problem with them. By shortening any human beings life on account of their sin, you deny them opportunity to repent of their sins. It' almost as if they WANT to play eternal executioner... kill them now that they may get what is coming to to them from God quicker. this is out of step with the attitude of Christ... we should not seek the premature death of anyone, it is an abhorrent desire and it casts us in a similar vein to the monsters we despise. We are better than this and we should seek every opportunity to demonstrate it.

However, "Ah" you say... "men who commit such unspeakable acts are incapable of turning from their sin!"

Is that just personal prejudice speaking? Or do you have anything to back that up? I would argue the weight of history does not favour that argument. I have done some research into this and discovered that of all the Nazi war criminals who were tried at Nuremberg... there were a handful - seven or eight, who claimed to have repented of their atrocities. They did not do this to escape death (though not all them received that sentence), in fact those that were executed did not resist the fate that was to befall them... they acknowledged their wrongs and knew that the people of Earth could not tolerate the awful things they had done.

Perhaps that argument isn't strong enough... perhaps we need to hear something from the "horse's mouth". Read these words from the Japanese war criminal Hayashi Sadahiko:

"I was not forced to join the Kempeitai (military police). I was asked and urged to join. when I was first made to treat men cruelly, I hated it. At my first turn of duty I loathed it. The second time, it did not feel so bad. On the third time I hardly felt it. After that I said to myself, 'They aren't people! They're just things! Things!'
I did not care what I did to them. Now I must die, and I'm only thirty-two years old. It isn't men who are punishing me. This is heaven's punishment. God cannot forgive me! I've been too wicked - too cruel - the spirits of the dead curse me! Yet I cannot die. The spirits of the tortured are waiting to pounce on my soul and tear me to
pieces. I'm terrified of dying - but when will it be?"

One woman - a missionary called Miss Henty, was burdened by the Spirit for this man... when she read this account and somehow managed to wrangle the authorities into letting her visit him. She pleaded with him for quite some time (despite I might add having initial misgivings about what she had been asked to do herself), using the example of Paul... who described his own evil and subsequent redemption in these terms:

"Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners — of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would elieve on him and receive eternal life."

1 Timothy 1:13-16

However, Hayashi could not see past his despair... past those demons of the past and the "ghosts" of those he had mistreated. Sometimes he felt they were strangling him. Time was running out for this man, there were weeks before his execution. Miss Henty was growing desperate. She prayed that God would reveal himself to Hayashi in the same way that he had to her... the night she was led to believe in Christ as her saviour - through a vision at night.

When next she visited Hayashi, the change was remarkable. He was radiant... during the night he had received a very profound and real experience of Jesus Christ. Subsequently he was baptised and took the name Paul... for the last week of his life. These are the last words he wrote... a letter:

To the Christians of the World

It is a fact that within this world of men, there is a world of God's Spirit. those who do not believe this fact cannot understand it. These clever men of this world, men of wisdom in this world, are all foolish. All men have weak bodies; they believe death to be terrible. I would like to continue life's journey, giving body and spirit to God, never for a moment forgetting my repentance. In this world there are billions of men. All die less than a hundred years old. Only those who know God's Spirit, those who know heaven, only the Christians... see the Spirit of God as a reality. They fear nothing... not even death. It is the will of God that I should die at 32, but Christ is with me to the last. I am filled with joy. I know the happiness of death. I believe that my execution today is a punishment from heaven given by God.

Since I, Hayashi, have become Paul, I think like a Christian, my happiness is to become a spirit and pray. Although a man may live to become 70 without knowing thankfulness to God, he does not know even the preciousness of seven days of knowing God. Christians sing in church as larks sing in the Spring, as angels sing. As you study my death you will clearly see that God's Spirit has been working. God has forgiven me - I who have sinned so deeply.

Moreover I do not fear execution. Through it I pray that peace may come to the world.

It IS possible for men and women who commit atrocities to know salvation. I have shaken the hand of one of the Kray Gang - Chris Lambrianou, a man who did terrible things in the name of organised crime... but who came to know Jesus Christ in jail and who know works to rehabilitate people who suffer from the effects of of crime that he benefitted from. Sometimes there are consequences in this life for the things we do, but that does not exempt us from the opportunity to know God and receive his grace.

My personal preference for Saddam Hussein would be to have him personally repatriate the bodies of Kurds and people he had killed. Condemn him to manually dig proper graves for all those people until the day of his death.

When the day comes for Saddam Hussein to die, I shall not rejoice. He is an evil and despicable man... but I shall pity him should he deny himself the opportunity to get himself right with the one true God before his flame is extinguished.

Sunshine on a Rainy Day

There's a lot to be said for making the 2.5 mile journey to church on foot... you become aware of things that if you had rushed in a car, you'd never have experienced.

I was praying for forgiveness for various things I've done... and for finding it hard to see past my frustration in waiting on God with regard to relationships. It was at this during this, that a secular song popped in my head again... it's been doing it all week (somebody seriously needs to put some more money in my mental jukebox). The song is "Sunshine on a Rainy Day" by Zoe... here's a sample of the basic lyrics (minus chorus repeats):

I see you in the darkness
I see you in the light
I see your eyes shining
In through the night
Make me feel, make me feel
Like I belong
Don't leave me, you won't leave me here
All Alone

Cast your eyes
Like summer skies
Blue earth and the ocean
Clearer than the skies, yeah!

Sunshine on a rainy day (sunshine)
Makes my soul, makes my soul trip, trip, trip away
Sunshine on a rainy day (sunshine)
Makes my soul, makes my soul trip, trip, trip away

You touch me with your spirit
You touch me with your heart
You touch me in the darkness
I feel it start
Make it feel, make it feel
So Unreal (so unreal)
Like a wind in the desert
Like a moon on the sea

I felt very strongly that God was telling me that this is my current situation. I'm having a rainy day over relationships... it's been tipping it down. However, I also felt God was calling me to look at the fact that things are moving... he is bringing me to a place where I can appreciate the things he has to give. What he is currently doing with my finances is the sunshine to my rainy day... it is the sign that the weather is passing, the clouds are gradually rolling back and the warm rays of sunlight are gently bathing my face.

I felt that God was saying that I'm not in a place where I can eat milk and honey yet... but that I'm in a place where he is feeding me manna and quail. I could let that get me down, like the Israelites did... but the fact is that in some ways it's more of a blessing to be fed in the wilderness... than to be in a land flowing with milk and honey. With the former you are being hand fed by God... he's taking care of you. With the latter, it is easy to become conceited and think that the things you've received are solely by your own efforts. It is also possible to get so wrapped up in blessing, that you lose sight of God, who is the very source of every blessing we receive. When we receive gifts... it is not the gift we should value most, but the giver.

I feel that reminding myself of what God is giving me in the short term, is the perfect response to the current frustration I am wrestling with.

Have you ever exerienced how sometimes how God can lift a scripture out of it's original context, in order to speak to you where you are? I had that today. I read the words "sit at my right hand until I put your enemies under your feet." In the original context, this was King David overhearing God the Father talking to Jesus. However, I believe God used this in telling me to rest in him and wait for him to finish his work with my finances. before gallavanting off on some hare-brained romantic venture.

I am going to try and draw a line under this entire episode. Each months debtwatch is now a signpost to my own personal promised land. Every time I suffer temptation or frustration I will try to remind myself of this.

Emotional Conflict

One of my old problems has flared up again... I don't know why; maybe it is a seasonal thing, maybe it's the weather... maybe I'm just plain tired. Every so often I hit a wall... a time when I feel the pinch of walking the road I'm on and glance up to the things I hope and long for... and solemnly sigh at them still being unfulfilled.

It's been a while since I've had a proper girlfriend... heck did I EVER have a proper girlfriend for that matter? I effectively had a seven year solitary confinement sentence once, but that was all give, give and no take... a very sorry and parasitical state of affairs. I have waited patiently and resisted the temptation to move rashly... and sometimes that temptation has been sore. I know I'm not designed or cut out for solitary existence and I know the time will come when these days will end... but sometimes it really does hurt.

To quote a biblical sentiment that U2 echoed in on of their hits... how long must I sing this song?

I feel like I did when I climbed Great Gable the other week... having got over one peak, it was so disparaging to look across at a higher one and be told we hand to go down into a valley and climb up again even higher than before.

When you kill off the locusts that eat your crops, the land can still look barren for a long time to come. The important thing to remember is that the seeds of the new season grow silently beneath the seemingly desolate surface, and long before you see the green shoots of restoration and revival... strong sustaining roots are being put down deep into the fertile soil, where you cannot see it.

I think the most recent pangs I have experienced have come from a sense of "if I hadn't seen such riches, I could live with being poor" to quote the band James. There are a couple of girls I'm keen on... one, far away and one close by. The former probably doesn't give me a second thought and probably just sees me as a helpful but eccentric soul on the all too rare occasions we have met. The other I barely know and don't really get much chance to rub shoulders with. I'm trying to get back into the habit of praying for them... no, not praying for them to be mine... I mean just praying for them... for God's protection, influence and blessing to be upon them. The way I see it you may as well turn these feelings into something constructive.

I would appreciate people's prayers on this one. I'm feeling especially vulnerable at the moment and I have struggled to overcome some inner adversity. Lately I have the feeling that the journey in this area is too much for me.

Debtwatch 1

As promised here is my first update on the continuing saga of my financial redemption. I'd like to restate my deeply held belief that it is by God's grace and empowerment that I am making progress... not my own financial acumen (which is woefully poor).

I'm going to hold a few bits of information back, as strictly speaking they relate to next month. As it stands though the first amount of interest has been added, and the first repayment has been made. I see this month as an acid test, because I still have an outstanding insurance payment to make on my car, a visit to the dentist and a haircut to take into account... so it is likely to be the month with the most expenditure.

Things to take into account during November are likely to include my birthday (hooray!), a work bonus and of course the looming shadow of Santa Claus's sack as we approach Christmas.

So without further ado:

Balance Prior to first repayment: £3,137.91
Current balance on loan: £2,827.91
Current finances in reserve: £200.00