To All Things An End...

I should have seen it coming... in fact I believe in a way, I did.

This morning at approximately 10:30 AM my car hit a greasy patch, struck a kerb and managed to spin itself face first into a crash barrier (ironically I'd regained control at this point and had the barrier not been there I would have been able to brake the car to a halt on some grass as I was only doing 30). I was actually en-route to church at the time. It must have looked worse than what it did because with the help of a local, I pushed the car about 15 metres back into a side road to avoid causing more trouble to passing traffic. so any passers by probably thought I'd whacked the barrier at 60 and been propelled backwards. If that were the case I'd have been mashed myself. Can't have been hit with much force because it occurs to me now that the airbag didn't deploy.

It's funny because about three weeks ago I'd had this conversation in my mind where I'd told myself that if anything happened to her, I wouldn't replace the car for a while... I would concentrate on clearing debts and saving for a better car and/or a home to call my own. It's almost as if I was being prepared for the eventuality.

I'm pretty sure she's a write off, it's just the front, but the nature of how I hit the barrier and the age of the vehicle will count against it and I'm sure that economically she will be beyond repair.

Though I'll miss my car terribly, I'm totally at peace. I didn't go into shock at any point after the crash and I felt the presence of God around me while subsequent events unfolded. I was being looked after and I believe he is at work in this... it happened so that something beneficial long term could be brought about I believe.

L860 YWP rest in peace.

Draw Near

I've been to watch Superman Returns today and had a great time. I've mentioned before in previous blog entries how various elements of the Superman story have been useful allegories in understanding various things god has said to me.

As I have testified recently, the Christian walk can often seem to be a lonely one... but feeling lonely is very different from being alone. We will always have Jesus Christ to mediate for us:

"Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." - Matthew 28:18-20

....and we will always have the Holy Spirit to administer to us:

"If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you." John 14:15-20

"All this I have spoken while still with you. But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:25-27

There's a line at the end of Superman Returns that sums this up for me a great deal:

"You will be different, sometimes you'll feel like an outcast, but you'll never be alone. You will make my strength your own. You will see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father and the father becomes the son."

This is how we draw strength from our God. We have to be completely absorbed in his presence. One of my favourite analogies of how Christians should be is that of a sponge. When a sponge is fully immersed in water, you cannot tell where the sponge begins and the water stops. Is the sponge in the water... or is the water in the sponge? The answer of course is both. This is at heart what Jesus means when he says that we are in Him and He is in us.

The things we read about him doing, the attitudes that shaped his actions... we need to take these on. We need to perceive the World through Christ's eyes, because as his ambassadors he certainly see's the World through ours. By seeking to become more Christlike in nature... we challenge ourselves to become vessels of His blessing. If we draw strength from God there can be healing for the sick, the blind can receive back their sight, the prisoners shall be set free and the dead can be raised. Take those statements as literally or symbolically as you wish but both are true in the power and name of Jesus Christ.

The simple truth is that God... because He is our Father, desires for us to become like his one and only begotten Son. The son becomes the father and the father becomes the son. The only way for that to happen is if we invite him into our hearts... to the very centre of our domain.

I'm going to ask you one question, leave you with one challenge:

Imagine your heart is like a big house, it has public areas, private areas, it has functional areas, recreational areas. The question is this... in this house, where is Jesus?

Is he on your doorstep, still waiting to be let in? I urge and encourage you to invite him into your heart and welcome him as Lord.

Is he in the hallway... a cautiously welcomed guest who is still wearing his coat? I encourage you to begin to trust Him through prayer and bring him to the centre of your world.

"Ok" those of you who are mature in faith may be thinking... "Jesus is in my living room... that's cool, I'm fine". So Jesus is welcome in your household... but what about your bedroom... is it a tip (like my real one) that you are ashamed to let others look upon. Are you still serving up microwave ready meals from your kitchen where the appliances are unused, but the bins overflow with microwave dinners? Lets not go to the toilet for pities sake!

What I am urging you to do is look at those areas of your life that bring you shame... that you don't use, or are uncomfortable with... and let Jesus loose. He will clean up your mess and he will serve the finest of spiritual food. Just let him do what he wants to. Call on him and see if he will not rise to action?

Do it today!

blessings

N

Surviving the Tempest

I have passed through the storm.

The latest personal struggles I have wrestled with have not overcome me and i thank God for that. I was stretched and hard pressed in the face of my old insecurities and now I understand why. I suffered because it bothered me that people... even Christians tend not to listen to me... and the enemy wanted to remind me oh so much. However as wily as evil is it always, ALWAYS makes the same mistake... it becomes overconfident and overextends its thrust.

Sure enough when I was on my knees in despair a misunderstanding flared up between me and a couple of brothers/sisters in Christ that threatened my entire relationship with the Body of Christ - that is, the Church. I could have just been hostile or shrink away dejected at what had happened... but despite my feelings, I sought the Lord in my troubles - I asked him to use the day's set scripture in Every Day With Jesus to be relevant to what was happening and speak to me about the situation. Here is the verse that stood out most:

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

I felt convicted about my emotions and my fears. While it's true that we all have them, it is not always healthy to base our actions entirely on them. You see, I conformed to my fear of being ignored. It governed my actions. If I felt depressed about not being listened to, I obsessed over it and hankered after people all the more. Deprived of contact by people around me, I wallowed in hurt and pestered people. Looking back it's been a dominant factor.

I wonder why God chose now of all times to call it to account? It feels like he had been filling me up like a jug for some time but was holding his hand across a hole in the bottom of me to stop the water falling out. It then felt like he took the hand away so that I'd notice the water falling out and call on Him to fix me.

Maybe this is something new I'm learning and if so, I offer you this same pearl of wisdom:

If God's hand wasn't there to cover each hole in the first place we'd never get filled with His blessing. That God sometimes chooses to take His hand away so we notice the sense of being blessed seemingly ebbing away, isn't an act of negligence or callousness on His part... but a way for us to understand we have a need to be healed... and the means to find that healing in Christ.

In my case I got others to pray for me and do you know what... I've not been bothered the slightest since. I need to remember this victory, lest I fall back into the same conformity that damaged me before.

It is not merely enough to strip ourselves of the ungodly armour that protects us - I had done that... but it was insufficient. we have to clothe ourselves in God's might too, there's no room for Conan the Barbarian in God's army we need to protect ourselves and one another by relying on God.

I felt God saying to me that if I place too much value on how other people, even Christians feeling about what I say... then how can he use me to say the hard things that may need to be said soon?

Could it be that God is preparing his people in this area... for something major soon?

I pray it is so

blessings

N

What Has Gone Before.

Recent events have caused me some anger towards certain other Christians; my annoyance at being misunderstood has caused me to look at what I can do to work something positive out about showing people who I am in context with where I have been... because I suppose it's either that or just sit and get consumed by anger, which is neither Godly or productive. With this in mind I thought that I would give a reasonably full and frank summarised account of the major events that have shaped my life and walk with God up until now. Normally I would hold back on some things, or use allegory to convey them. I have touched upon many of things in part during the length of my blogging experience. However, I think the time has come to just say it like it has been.

I was born on the 21st November 1974 at 6:40pm, just 50 minutes before the Birmingham pub bombings - the worst mainland attack by the IRA during their campaign of terror. You might think that would have little bearing on me as a person... but for some reason, the fact that over 20 people were killed and many people injured during the hour of my birth - it mattered to me as a child when I later became aware of it.

As a 1 year old, I was well advanced in my progress both in speech and mobility... and most tellingly of all... in terms of my curiosity. Tragically just before my second birthday I managed to scald myself badly - leaving a significantly sized scar on my chest. This resulted in months of pain (fortunately I am consciously unaware of this, though I fear one day the memory may come back), both for myself and my parents. It also resulted in me withdrawing completely. I had to learn to walk and talk all over again and I was socially a bit of an outsider.

Throughout my childhood, God was close and I was subconsciously responding to him but despite being raised in an Anglican household... I had a lot to learn about true faith. I was sent to Roman Catholic school because the level of RE was thought to be better. Where most young people become resentful, I thrived in this environment because the slightly different culture helped me raise important questions and comparisons about what I believed at an early age.

Before my teens, I didn't really care much about my scar but as I grew more conscious of it... I determined to hide it away all the more... because I could. The same could not be said for the psychological problems I developed in response to this. My self esteem was pretty low, I was very self conscious and a fussy eater and because I was afraid of people hurting me.... I projected a persona of myself that was not a true reflection of who I really was... which led to me being isolated as an individual.

God resolved to change my heart, first by convicting me of my sins at a Billy Graham rally in 1989 (when I had started attending a local youth fellowship). When I went up to pray, I didn't tell the guy I was praying with some of the things I'd done because I was ashamed... but the important thing was that I told God.

A few miles down the road and the year is 1991. I have left school for exam leave. I read a scripture in Mark's gospel that I misunderstand completely. The enemy used this as an opportunity to torment me... but little did either of us know - he was playing directly into God's hands. For three months I struggle with my personal torment, struggling in my own strength and bearing the burden alone. Then one day at a beach mission, I become sensitive to little things. People kept telling me to shut up and on one occasion on a Thursday it gets too much and I break down in tears. God drew near to me at this point and revealed his authority. It was then that I realised for the first time that God wasn't just saviour... he was sovereign too. He had used my suffering to break down a wall in my heart. Not only did this allow God to come in much closer, but it paved the way for others to do likewise. Unfortunately their perception of me was largely based on my defensive behaviour. Still, importantly a few really good close friends stood by me and began to help me to grow out of my protectionist attitude towards myself.

It was at this time that the enemy embarked on a new strategy. I ended up going out with somebody who was not all they appeared to be. They had self esteem issues and though they claimed to be Christian, in hindsight it became apparent to me that her faith was just a crutch until something or someone more tangible came along... unfortunately that person was me. Within a year, after things had become serious... she had surrendered her faith. I should have seen that as a warning sign... but I tried to do the noble thing, I stood by her in the hope that I could restore her to faith. She became more demanding of my time and resources and I was asked tough questions about what I believed was a righteous course of action. I just about managed church and a fellowship group once a week.

Now we come to the hardest part of that dark chapter for me. Though I myself did not yield to temptation to sleep with the girl... she developed a friendship with somebody else... one that resulted in her sleeping with him. Now most people would have wised up at this point. Not me, I was stubborn - still I felt that I could use the situation to God's glory, by demonstrating forgiveness, I could demonstrate God's abundant grace. So I continued on in a fruitless relationship. I didn't really tell anyone, I felt it best to keep the nature of what she'd done quiet. I did however persuade her to talk to a mutual friend who she trusted.... should have known better there too. She developed a crush on him... and in his weakness, he didn't distance himself... just waited to see how things would develop.

This episode does not end in sadness however.... once again, God intervened directly in the most spectacular and wonderful way. After seven years, she had to go to America to see her brother get married... mercifully I am fearful of flying and remained home. It was during those two weeks that God enabled me to enjoy life to the maximum. He even sent a rock band to play "Freebird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd at a local street market and this song really spoke to me. When she came back she decided she might like to return to America in a year's time... but there was nothing over there for me and she was not a good enough reason in her own right. Furthermore i would not wait a year to see if she did go. The final straw came when she seemed to be displaying affection for one of the in-laws. I'd seen where that road went and I wanted no more part of it.

That very night I was free and I NEVER looked back once. I was like a drowning man coming up for air... having been burdened so heavily for so long, I ended up practically flying. Instead of feeling grieved I felt relieved... and God blessed me immensely at that time.

I made a commitment to God that still stands today - as grievous as it might be to me I would rather spend my days alone than have another relationship that did not honour God. I had no right to expect favours having erred so badly in that area of my life. It was in that period that he reassured me that he'd been waiting for me to say that... that he would point me towards the right people.

I showed interest in another girl (in response to a dream I had - crazy huh?), who I'd never have gone for... but God took the opportunity away and convicted me using the story of David's failed attempt to recover the Ark of the Covenant in scripture as an example.

Shortly after this I became much more pro-active in my faith, becoming involved in spiritual teaching and Scripture Union Camp. God gave me a vision on one Palm Sunday - a two edged sword being drawn from it's scabbard and a voice saying "Take up my burden", during the same service I later found out that someone else in church had been given a scripture where God sends prophets to go and kill the idolaters - make of that what you will.

I had one more failed dalliance in relationships, where a friend palmed me off on a girl who was keen on him... because he was dating someone else. Yet he complicated things by openly flirting with the same girl and not being honest about the fact he was in a relationship - same friend as before by the way. Eventually he broke free of that relationship and continued flirting with the girl... I knew she held a candle for him, so I just let it go... I had to - it was made clear when I was ignored during a Christmas party.

None of that matters now really... because that was the final chapter before I began blogging. Today I find an outlet for my creativity and my angst... I get to share my thoughts, beliefs and ideas and I hope and pray God uses what I say for his glorification.

I would say that the difference between the Nick of old and the Nick of new is that I don't really have any walls any more.... this in the long term is good, but it does mean that I'm oversensitive to the smallest things - I can't not feel! This is something God is challenging in me during these days.

I have to say, I feel a lot better having got all this off my chest. I pray for the day when God will release me from all my fears and pray that he changes my attitudes daily.

You might get the impression that I'm negative having read a lot of that... but past is merely prologue, the best is yet to come. I have my detractors and the enemy uses many to destroy or delay the work God started in me... but there is no plan, no scheme of man or hell that can succeed against the Lord.

God bless you all

Nick

Just When You Think You Are Turning a Corner

Once there was a dog who liked to play fetch. He would often go up to the children in the churchyard with sticks or balls. All he wanted was for them to throw something out for him to chase after, to show a little friendship and affection... yet all the boys and girls would ever do is ignore him, shove him away or abuse him by beating him with the sticks he had brought... all this merely because they either didn't want him around or just didn't understand what he was really about. Yet despite his bruises the dog never gave up hope that he would be accepted for who he was.

Yeah it's a story... a parable if you like... but it's how I feel. Despite the odds, a friend of mine managed to talk me out of a dark place on Friday. It was a place where I was perceiving most Christians as hostile or rude and intolerant and unaccepting of me. It's a weapon the enemy is using against me with great fervour at the moment.

A weekend of peace that not even England's unkind exit in the World Cup managed to crack (well okay my Dad managed to wind me up about that on a couple of occasions until I was a boiling engine of rage... but fathers are good at that... aren't they). Today I received a couple of disheartening and upsetting messages in my Myspace Inbox. Time after time the human race just does not get me... has no grasp of where I am coming from and is so quick to judge and point the finger. Why my fellow Christians should be especially adept at this is both beyond my understanding and highly ironic. I'm not going to give in though. If people want to play that game... fine, let God convict them of it. I know who I am... and it is not who any mere mortal on this Earth makes me out to be.

Truth be told I would be happy with just a handful of genuine Christian people to talk to. No plastics, no legalists, no clique members... I'll stick with the Christians on the outside edges thank you very much. That's right... the one's who get labelled as weird or geeks... who don't get accepted by other Christians because they seem a bit odd. Message to the elitists... we are good enough for God so why aren't we good enough for you? Who appointed you judge jury and executioner over us? Why do you cling to your sacrifices and forget the important things such as mercy and compassion? Away with your heresies! I tell you the truth, whatever you do not do for the least of your brethren... you do not do it for Him!

I don't know how Jesus feels about this, but my patience is wearing thin. To quote the good Doctor:

"I'm so old now. I used to have so much mercy. You get one warning. That was it."

Cut your brothers and sisters out of the loop... judge their actions too harshly... and you've done it to Christ.

Mark that well for your own sake. Sometime there is a fine line between discernment and prejudice... I believe this generation has crossed it!

N

PS I now feel I've moved onto the next line in the poem "If". Whereas before I was merely having to believe in myself when all others doubt me, yet make allowance for their doubting too.... now I feel I have to resist the urge to lie when I'm being lied about and not give way to being hated when so much hatred is coming towards me.