Nick Payne: Born Again Party Animal?

On Friday night I went out for my mate's birthday. Initially the night consisted of the three of us (Rob, Mike and myself) sitting in the Three Tuns pub and chatting about life the universe and everything. However, Rob and I both moved on after about 10:30pm and decided to make a bee-line for the White Lion to shoot some pool... but when we got there we discovered the table had money on it for a few games and there was a bloke playing cheesy music very loudly on an electric piano. We turned about and headed for another pub.

Goodness only knows how, but we ended up in The Bear... and instead of going into the pool table area we somehow got lured into a raised section where there was a DJ playing dance music. Rob decided to go with the flow and ended up dancing around with the other locals. I stood leaning against the loudspeakers clutching my J20 orange and passionfruit drink as if my life depended on it. At the time there were only a couple of girls and one bloke on the dancefloor... but they were really into their dancing. Feeling like a sore thumb, I finished my drink and started giving it a go. It's been years since I danced. At school I was always teased about it... and the last girl I had a long term relationship with was a party pooper (to put it mildly, or a sucubbus to put it more accurately if a lot more harshly) and remained solidly glued to her chair at any given party. So gradually I lost the inclination to just go with the moment and hence, I never really got back into dancing. On Friday though, I decided I could sit there like a prune, or go down the road less travelled by... so I hit the floor and got moving.

As I started, you could hear the long redundant joints creaking away... but eventually I grew in boldness and was moving more fluidly... as fluidly as a 6'4" lanky person with a high centre of gravity gets. Last night was very much a healing experience for me. I realised it didn't matter how stupid I looked as most people were just having a good time and any mockers were probably too drunk to notice. I got to a point where I was assertive enough not to care about what others thought... and I think it showed. Other people danced around me... even girls (Wooo... GO ME!!)

So it was that, gradually as other people saw that two grown men were prepared to attempt the humorous institution that is known as "the white man's dance", they too were encouraged to join in. Soon the floor pulsated with the constant ebb and flow of dancers weaving in and out of one another's personal space. Rob has described such scenarios as "meat factories" and it wasn't that hard to see why.

In that situation, I think for the first time I truly understood what it means to be in the world but not of the world. I knew what it meant in my head and heart before... but this was really the first time I had felt that power in action in my life. I was on foreign soil and yet I felt like I had a teflon coating. I was fully cognitive because I don't drink, so I was relatively safe from any potential danger. One potential danger I spotted was that a lot of girls dance alone and on the surface appear to be single (not that I was going to make a move), but on closer inspection you notice they have boyfriends in the shadows. I can see how this can be a source of conflict... because the lines are blurred and somebody could easily misread signals and move on someone who is in a relationship.

For me, the highlight of the time I spent there was definitely when the DJ played the Proclaimers "I'm Gonna Be (500 miles)" over the speakers. There I was jumping up and down singing to to the top of my voice:

"But I would walk 500 miles

And I would walk 500 more

Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles

To fall down at your door

fa la la la (fa la la la)

fa la la la (fa la la la)

Da Da Da Dun Diddle Un Diddle Un Diddle Uh Da Da

fa la la la (fa la la la)

fa la la la (fa la la la)

Da Da Da Dun Diddle Un Diddle Un Diddle Uh Da Da"

I tell you I brought the room to life! LOL!

I've never agreed with legalistic Christians who believe in blanket banning every other believer from going to pubs, bars and clubs. I agree that there are some Christian's who should never go... people who have a problem with self control and who are liable to stumble, are who I am principally thinking of. However, to say no Christians should go to pubs is folly. Jesus, our Great Light, the Light of the World, went into those places himself. He gave us that light and we are expected to take it into the darkness.

Where is the sanity in shining a torch in a well lit room? Are torches not designed for the outside, where there is no light?

Do fishermen let down their nets while they are still in the harbour?

We go to Church to to get fed, to recharge our torches and to repair and maintain our boats... to keep the tools of our ministries in good condition. I fear many Christians fall into the trap of letting their Church community become the single contributer to their social circles... when this happens, Church can become more about cliques and socialising than being about the equipping of the saints.

I know of an old lady who shamed a young man from her church who exited a pub. She told him that as a Christian, he should be ashamed of himself.

I would argue that she too should be ashamed of herself. She was being judgemental. If that man had come out drunk and disorderly, she would have had a valid point. However, if that man had gone into that place and retained his integrity, he may well have had opportunity to befriend people and maybe even witness... which is of far more use than standing aside and pointing the finger.

Its all very well to talk of righteousness and lecture on what is right and what is wrong... but it is only by putting into practice ourselves, in the wider world... that people notice any difference. It's the only way they see Jesus.

Jesus ate and drank with sinners. He did not consider them so lowly as to commune with them in public. He went even further, at Cana he provided some of the alcohol - the best vintage too. People seem to rose tint the era Christ lived in as being refined.... it wasn't, it was as raw as it is today. The Romans and the Greeks before them, were hedonistic and very open minded. Every day, as an occupied nation, the Jews would have seen sights that were highly offensive to their native culture.

Somehow, Jesus and his apostles not only coped in this climate... they thrived in it. This is because they were God centred and knew that He who was in them was greater than he who was in the world. They were full of the Holy Spirit

Its not by our convincing words, clever theology or pontification that people see Christ. As the old hymn says: they will know we are Christians by our love. People see Jesus by seeing righteousness and love at work in ourselves... not just by what we say. We have to demonstrate the love and righteous principles of God through our own lives.

"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him."

Point the finger and you condemn, show them through your own life what Jesus does... and you show them the light... giving them a chance to come to salvation.

"Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

Some preachers use that verse negatively - "No go, no lo" they say (If you don't go to the people, Jesus won't be with you). However I say "Lo... so go!" We already have the promise that Jesus is with us by the presence of the Holy Spirit, we should therefore live up to what we already have attained through Him.

Blessings

Nick

Have to say praise to the Lord who is diminishing my fears daily.

Integrity

What a busy week in politics.

We started off with the news that the BNP (British National Party) are estimated to have an increase in support, somewhere in the region of 25% during the forthcoming County council elections. Although this isn't likely to manifest itself much in the way of seats... the news is till enough to grieve my spirit.

This is how it always starts isn't it?

A country gets claustrophobic due to being heavily populated... and the fingers start pointing at one group or another as being responsible for all the woes of the nation. The mainstream political parties do little to resolve the situation and eventually some group of nut jobs start promoting an agenda of hatred.

Instead of clinging to power and corruption, the mainstream parties need to acknowledge what is going on and come up with some real answers. One thing is certain as far as I am concerned. were the BNP to claim power in my area (unlikely), I would actively oppose them. Were they to ever come to power (heaven forbid), I would with heavy heart consider taking up arms against the nation. Not out of pride, not out of patriotism... but out of integrity.

Also in the news this week, the Home Office freed foreign nationals convicted of murder, rape and extreme violence... and then "lost" some of their whereabouts, instead of deporting them. Unsurprisingly, groups such as the BNP thrive on snippets like this... of course, if they had their way all foreign nationals would either be wearing identification armbands, detained in camps or driven into the sea.

Charles Clarke clings to his position when realistically, it is untenable. Incompetence or negligence have led to the release of criminals (who have been assessed as likely repeat offenders) into the community. He says he wants to stay to clear up the mess. A man of integrity would step down and still help out where he could. Naturally Clarke still (publicly at least) has Tony Blair's "full confidence"... but the last time when there were calls for the resignation of a minister (Ruth Kelly) he said exactly the same. At this rate, the day will come when a Government minister will be found in a room, standing over the bodies of innocents... clutching a knife and covered in blood.... and all the time, while voices cry out for justice... Tony Blair will express his "complete confidence" in his hapless colleague.

Then we had Patricia Hewitt insisting the NHS has had it's best year. Yes... right... and that's why a friend of mine has been messed about for so long while waiting for an essential gall bladder operation (because he could only be seen once a week). Nurses do a great job in this country and they are walked on for doing it. It's the same with all vocational jobs. If you do something that requires a kind heart as a profession... your paymasters will take advantage of you... and that is unfair, especially when you have executives aplenty wrapping hospitals up in more and more red tape.

Finally we have the news that John Prescott has had an affair.

Yes... I thought I'd stepped into an alternate reality myself for a moment too!

Alas, it is true. I honestly can't see why any sane woman (including his poor spouse) would want have union with such a man. he is gross... and he is a bully.

I ain't exactly a work of art... but for pities sake. The idea that Prescott is having more luck with women than me is as ludicrous as Princess Leia choosing Jabba the Hutt over Han Solo. Intolerable. The women who do these things must have precious little integrity. To sleep with a grotesque individual for a wad of money and media exposition, it's pretty low.

Finally we have Blair himself. Elected in 1997 under a promise to clean up politics, to counterpoint the sleaze of the Tories... and here we have him leading a scandal ridden, ragtag band of rogues... as guilty as the Tories ever were... and yet they get away with it because there is no real opposition. The media has taken it upon itself to grease the wheels of change. With no political power strong enough in it's own right, to stand against the Blairite army... the press and other media bodies have taken it upon themselves to do the dirty work. This is showing because they seize upon every little thing - even when a microscopic granule of drugs is found at Doctor John Reid's residence. I'm pretty confident he probably is as innocent as he claims in this case, but it just goes to show how keen the media are to exploit any injury in the Blair camp.

So next week, come election day I will be stuck again. I'm economically left wing and marginally liberal on the authoritarian scale. All the parties still occupy right wing economics so I can't choose, because my own personal integrity won't allow me to. Why should I choose the lesser of two evils? An exaggeration I know, but would you choose between Hitler and Stalin?

Dragonslaying

Happy St. George's Day everyone... today is England's national day! An occasion suppressed by political correctness, but never forgotten. Nor should it be, lest fascist bully boys claim it as their own.

Most people in Britain know some part of St. George's story. Much of it is steeped in myth and knightly fantasies concerning the rescue of helpless maidens from the jaws of dragons. He was born in Palestine and served as a tribune under the anti-Christian emperor Diocletian. It was the time that was known as "The Great Persecution". A time when some statistics suggest an average of 17,000 Christians were killed a month. The reason George was initially canonised was because of his opposition to Diocletian's policy. He openly protested against the murder of Christians in Libya and was numbered among them in martyrdom. Slain by the Empire he had spent a lifetime serving... and yet welcomed into a Kingdom that would continue beyond the span of Rome's life... stretching into eternity.

Anyway, that's enough of a voyage into Jackanory territory!

At Church today, we looked at Thomas and his moment of doubt. Poor old Thomas... he gets such a bad press. Everyone forgets he was one of the hardcore of Jesus' followers... the one disciple who suggested the others should go up to Jerusalem to die for Jesus. It must have been hard for him. All of his close friends had seen the risen Christ... Thomas was the first person to be asked to accept the facts without having seen them firsthand. It's possible Thomas had seen Jesus die, because he had knowledge of the spearing of Christ's side (although that could have been related to him with the others by John or Mary). Either way he was pretty upset... and then to cap it all off, his mates start acting off their heads or play some cruel joke by pretending his best friend was alive and risen. If I were Thomas I would be pretty angry. I'd probably want to swing for the others over their apparent disrespect.

Of course, with nearly 2,000 years of hindsight we know better. We know that Jesus had risen.

Thomas made his famous remark about not believing unless he could place his hands in the wounds of Christ. Christ them appeared on the scene in Beadle like fashion and Thomas fell on the floor, astounded by his confrontation with the awesome truth and proclaiming "My Lord and my God!"

I know that moment. I experienced it a couple of weeks ago when I was blessed with my job. Jesus blew apart my perceptions. I prayed before interview and gave it my best shot. i did well... but was beaten. Events like that were par for the course in my previous walk as a Christian. Always giving it my all but just coming up short. However as you may know if you read my earlier blog, the job fell back into my lap again... not by my effort but by God's grace. That was the "My Lord and my God!" moment. God displaying his sovereignty in my life.

So what has this to do with dragonslaying? Well, during my life of toiling against the tide of events... I had naturally grown a negative self image of myself. Fed over time by negativity and misfortune, that tiny creature grew and grew into a behemoth, a leviathan.... a dragon. We all have our inner dragons to slay... and you find them in the strangest of places. some are ever present and oppressive, some only come out at certain times to wreak havoc... other's still are like chamaeleons and blend in with the environment that they invisibly damage. They are like parasites. There is a parasite that when it enters a fish, alters it's nervous system... when all the other fish run away at the sign of danger, the altered fish sits there and waits to be eaten... because that's what the parasite wants. it wants to find it's way into a heron. that is exaclty what our inner dragons do to us. they change our way of thinking and make us act in a way thast is detrimental to our own wellbeing.

Ignore them and they will run amok in your life. Engage them in single combat and they will drain your strength and take away your focus from beneficial things.

Turn them over to God and great things happen.

The recent turn of events in my life has reshaped my attitude to myself and others. I'm not nearly so paranoid or defensive as I was. I'm not afraid of taking a few more risks... and when I do slip up I don't think the sky is falling.

I let God down the other night, because of this I turned up to Church today expecting to not get much out of the service. Instead I was reminded that:

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

God is on the prowl in my life. He is riding into battle and taking out my personal demons... one by one. in their place he sows a crop of good things, that even as I speak blossom and shape my attitudes more positively.

If you have dragons... seek the Lord. He will fight for you and you will overcome. do not rely on your own might for:

"I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all." Ecclesiastes 9:11

If you live only by using the tools and weapons that are found under the sun... you are left to time and chance. You might get lucky, but you might come badly unstuck.

Live life above the sun... under the authority and power of God... and those dragons have no power over you.

Want to slay your dragons? Let the Lord unleash his power on them!

blessings

N

Celebrating Easter

Yes, well I still think it should be re-branded Resurrection Day - which sounds much cooler and is more relevant to what we celebrate.... nonetheless Happy Easter.

So how did I mark Easter here in the town of Alcester? It's been a long weekend:

On Thursday night I spent an hour or so, either side of midnight... quietly contemplating and meditating in my own church at Great Alne. It's a personal tradition of mine to do this somewhere. The way I see it, Jesus is my friend.... and 2,000 years ago all His friends deserted Him. I know I can't turn back the clock, but I like to pray for Him during the time He was alone in the Garden... yeah I know it sounds stupid but he died for my sins, offered me eternal life and is my friend and king... so I figure the least I could do is pray for Him during the time He had it rough (God is not bound by time, so I do not believe it matters that I pray after the event. It's a bit like in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure - when they don't have time to travel back and change the past for their jailbreak... so they say they'll do it afterwards... and sure enough everything materialises as needed). Staying in the church also gave me time to write down a lot of my mental, spiritual and emotional baggage over the recent past... and it enabled me to pray through it and settle it with God. I did all this under the shadow of the cross which we had moved to the centre of the chancel. The church had also been decorated with articles that would help people meditate on the Passion of Christ. Things like a crown of thorns, a purple robe, a staff, a bowl of water, hammer and nails... you get the picture.

On Friday I took part in the annual March of Witness, where I learned that an old leader and friend of mine was severely ill with gall bladder complications - (please pray for him). I always like to bear the cross we carry on that march, on the final stretch to the Anglican church. It kind of feels right, seeing as I'm named after the place. We were joined this year by the BBC who had come to do a story on the daffodil cross (more later). If you live in the midlands, you may have noticed my conspicuous mug cropping up in one or two of the shots at the end of Midlands Today.

Later that evening I watched the live Manchester Passion. Some of the songs felt a little weird and not entirely accurate... but I was moved by the atmosphere and the acting. They had a giant cross procession taking place as the play was being acted simultaneously. This served as a reminder to me that... while history was being played out - the cross was ALWAYS coming. Before the nativity, before the exile, before Moses, before Abraham... yes even before Adam... I believe God was always intending to demonstrate his love for us in the most excellent way.

On Saturday I joined a party of individuals who were travelling to the hillside daffodil cross that was planted last year (and has bloomed in time for Easter once more). It's immense and watches over the passing traffic below - a constant reminder by it's shape, of Christ's sacrifice... and yet also a poignant reminder of his resurrection because of the new life in the daffodils. We listened to scripture, prayed and sung a few worship songs (I suggested When I Survey The Wondrous Cross) which I found very moving.

Last night I took part in the Easter "Fire" service. It's the Easter equivalent of Midnight Eucharist at Christmas... it's not as well represented, but it is very contemplative. I got soaked by the Rector who splashed everyone with baptismal water from the font. i breathed a sigh of relief at that point because last year there was an amorous couple in the churchyard... and it had echoed through the whole church - thankfully no repeat this year. At the end of the service we proceed out singing Latin stuff... but the best part is at midnight you come out of the church and yell "HE IS RISEN INDEED.... ALLELUIA!!!!" Now most Anglicans are quite sheepish and don't want to wake up the neighbours. not me. Oh yes... I went for it. The way I see it, every weekend the drunks yell all the time - either obscenities... or their undying love for a lamp-post.... so if people are prepared to put up with that, why shouldn't it be okay for us to do likewise?

Went home and got up in time for another service at my regular church. that about sums up my Easter so far.... now comes the chilling out that goes with the territory that is, the Bank Holiday.

I pray and trust your Easter was equally blessed. I've posted some photographs of the walk to the daffodil cross (you can see more pictures of it in one of my Easter blogs of last year).

Here is a link to a BBC story about the Daffodil Cross (but fortunately not the one with me in).

Amen

The following poem is by Adrian Plass. I felt it appropriate to share it on Good Friday, it is a challenge to us to really considfer the cost of discipleship and take up our own cross:

When I became a Christian I said, Lord, now fill me in,

Tell me what I'll suffer in this world of shame and sin.

He said, your body may be killed, and left to rot and stink,

Do you still want to follow me? I said Amen - I think.

I think Amen, Amen I think, I think I say Amen,

I'm not completely sure, can you just run through that again?

You say my body may be killed and left to rot and stink,

Well, yes, that sounds terrific, Lord, I say Amen - I think.

But, Lord, there must be other ways to follow you, I said,

I really would prefer to end up dying in my bed.

Well, yes, he said, you could put up with the sneers and scorn and spit,

Do you still want to follow me? I said Amen - a bit.

A bit Amen, Amen a bit, a bit I say Amen,

I'm not entirely sure, can we just run through that again?

You say I could put up with sneers and also scorn and spit,

Well, yes, I've made my mind up, and I say, Amen - a bit.

Well I sat back and thought a while, then tried a different ploy,

Now, Lord, I said, the Good book says that Christians live in joy.

That's true he said, you need the joy to bear the pain and sorrow,

So do you want to follow me, I said, Amen - tomorrow.

Tomorrow, Lord, I'll say it then, that's when I'll say Amen,

I need to get it clear, can I just run through that again?

You say that I will need to joy, to bear the pain and sorrow,

Well, yes, I think I've got it straight, I'll say Amen - tomorrow.

He said, Look, I'm not asking you to spend an hour with me

A quick salvation sandwich and a cup of sanctity,

The cost is you, not half of you, but every single bit,

Now tell me, will you follow me? I said Amen - I quit.

I'm very sorry Lord I said, I'd like to follow you,

But I don't think religion is a manly thing to do.

He said forget religion then, and think about my Son,

And tell me if you're man enough to do what he has done.
Are you man enough to see the need, and man enough to go,

Man enough to care for those whom no one wants to know,

Man enough to say the thing that people hate to hear,

To battle through Gethsemane in loneliness and fear.

And listen! Are you man enough to stand it at the end,

The moment of betrayal by the kisses of a friend,

Are you man enough to hold your tongue, and man enough to cry?

When nails break your body-are you man enough to die?

Man enough to take the pain, and wear it like a crown,

Man enough to love the world and turn it upside down,

Are you man enough to follow me, I ask you once again?

I said, Oh Lord, I'm frightened, but I also said Amen.

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen; Amen, Amen, Amen,

I said, Oh Lord, I'm frightened, but I also said, Amen.

I just want to say thank you to Jesus for being man enough to pass through Gethsemane... to endure the cross for salvation.... mine and yours. The cross has said it all. As Jesus said, it is finished.... completely completed... the great Amen.

Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?" Luke 9:23-25

As I said the other day, enjoy your life... but enjoy it in context. The lives we live today are merely the tip of an iceberg that runs into eternity. You cannot see eternity, but it is there nonetheless. Don't sacrifice that which is eternal for that which is temporary. The Bible speaks of wisdom being supreme and that though it may cost you all you have, it is worth attaining. How much more so is salvation? Accepting the free redemption offered by Christ is the highest wisdom.

For he is no fool

Who gives what he cannot keep

To gain what he cannot lose

"Talya Cumi"

Do you remember the New Testament story of how Jesus raised Jairus' daughter from the dead?

Jesus is informed of a girl's sickness and sets off to heal her, but he is "distracted" by a woman suffering from hemorrhaging who was cured by touching his robe. while Jesus calls out to the crowd, to establish who touched him.... the little girl dies of her illness. To the human eye, Jesus failed... he didn't get there in time. However it's another one of those situations that I spoke of the other day. God deliberately allows the situation to deteriorate so that he can demonstrate his sovereignty, love, grace and power in a greater way (you can see the same thing happen in the story of Lazarus).

When Jesus eventually shows up, he tells those around that she is merely sleeping and that he has come to wake her. He utters the Aramaic phrase "Talitha Cumi" which means "little girl, wake up". It is at this point that she is miraculously restored to life.

My week has been a little like that, though not literally of course.

In my last entry I revealed my reaction to the news that I had not been appointed to the position I had applied for at work. Despite my best efforts, I was pipped to the post and naturally disappointed... but for perhaps the first time in a good, long while - I was at peace, I knew good had come out of it and I felt God would work the situation towards the best outcome.

Yesterday I was greeted with the news that the applicant who narrowly beat me, had declined to accept the position once it had been offered... and so it had been offered to me as the second most qualified candidate. I think God was more than adequately demonstrating a point to me. It was only after events had gone beyond my capacity to influence the situation, that they turned in my favour. If I had succeeded straight off, I may have been tempted to boast in my own abilities. As it is, I have an opportunity to boast about my God... which is far better.

My whole outlook to life seems to be evolving... actually that probably doesn't adequately explain it - transforming would be a better word. Evolving implies a long and gradual process, but the things that are happening to me are much quicker.

I feel that God's voice is speaking tenderly to me.... "Talya Cumi" - "little boy, wake up" (I know you were wondering how I was going to work the title in and now you know*). I'm feeling far more relaxed around people and my energy levels are way up. I believe that the process of change that stalled some time around this time of year in 2004, has been reinvigorated.

Some of the things that I have stumbled across in other peoples comments here, as well as their own blogs... seem to be reminding me that God would pick up where he left off. Now it seems he is beginning to lead me back to blessing. Not because of my desire or effort, but because of his joy and his grace.

I pray the fruit of God's blessings will be yours to experience in the coming days.

Nick


*
When researching the Aramaic masculine equivalent of "Talitha Cumi" I came across something very interesting. The word "Talitha" is Aramaic slang for a ewe lamb... and at the time it was common at the time of Jesus for Hebrews to use the term in connection with children. It's the same as we do today when we call kids "little sparrow" or "kitten" or anything similar.

Now the word "Talya" is the male equivalent and it also is slang and literally means "lamb". Hebrew parents would call their boys it all the time.

It has therefore been argued that the term "Lamb of God" as used in the New Testament may not just have been allegorically used... it could have been a literal term - making it clear to the early reader that Jesus is God's Son. I don't know if that's the concrete case (that Lamb of God was understood in that context then), but it's an interesting thought.

Victory Disguised as Defeat

Well I didn't succeed in getting promoted to a job at work yesterday. I was narrowly beaten into second choice by a woman called Miss Perfect (I'm not joking... that's her name, I should have seen the portents and warning signs in that one shouldn't I!). Having not secured the position I was aiming for, I failed... didn't I?

Or did I?

It doesn't occur that way to me. I'm naturally disappointed, but I feel that despite losing one battle... I've won a more important long term one. You have to look at the bigger picture.

The very fact that I stepped up to bat at all, demonstrated that I'm not the doormat people take me to be. If I feel something is good for me... I'm prepared to go for it. I'm not just an "also ran".

When the working day was over and I was called in to be informed of the result, I was told that I had performed really well in interview. The panel had taken a level playing field approach and I had risen to the very top of that field - I should be proud of myself. Their was only one part of the job... one fatally crucial part that I was beaten on by one of the other candidates. I know it was hard for them because they took two hours to deliberate just between the two of us. Having had it explained to me, I know putting me as second choice was the right decision.

However good will come of this. I have won allies. all the people on the interview panel are on the management team. My own boss was so impressed with me (to a degree which surprised even her), that she fought to let me keep one aspect of the job that she felt would be good for my development. Furthermore, without wanting to go into too much detail... I have confidence that people are going to fight my corner when it comes time for my next appraisal. The other good thing is that I will get the time to train up in other areas I feel are important to both my career and future personal development.

So no, I haven't lost - this is one of my Gandalf moments!

What do I mean by that? If you've read or watched Lord of the Rings, you will know that Gandalf goes up against his superior - Saruman the White and is temporarily incarcerated at Isengard. Later on, Gandalf is confronted by the Balrog - a terrible demonic force, bent on destruction. Gandalf defeats the Balrog but falls "out of thought and time". Gandalf the Grey dies... but it is not the end. He is restored to life and sent on to complete his mission as Gandalf the White. Later in the hall of King Theoden he breaks the spell of Saruman the White that is holding the King... astounding his former superior, who's staff and authority he later breaks. If Gandalf had not fallen, not made the supreme sacrifice... he would never have received the power and authority to defeat Saruman.

Loss is an important part of growth. if the seed does not perish the tree cannot be born.

In the last couple of years, my God has taken me along this route.... he has started with my friends and now he is doing it to my colleagues. Bringing me into situations where I am cloaked in grey but giving me the opportunity to show my true mettle.

So the temporal physical result of my interview is not so much of an issue to me... I feel I have proved my character and my true nature to both my colleagues and myself. I still consider after all that has happened, that this is an achievement. Amusingly and poignantly Bob Dylan's "Blowin' in the Wind" is playing on my Yahoo radio as I write this.

As we are also coming up to Good Friday... I couldn't resist looking at the ultimate example of victory disguised as defeat - the death of Jesus Christ. Metallica once wrote a song about this describing Jesus as "the God who failed". On the surface, it must have certainly seemed like that 2000 years ago in the city of Jerusalem. Jesus lay cold in the grave, butchered under Roman law by gentile and jew alike. his disciples locked themselves away in defeat. One (Judas) took his life over his shame and act of betrayal, another (Simon Peter) harboured the dark secret that he had denied the existence of his best friend to save his own skin. Imagine the shock of Mary Magdalene, Simon Peter, John, and the rest of the disciples as they each experienced something of a miracle. some at forst only saw the empty grave.... but others saw Jesus. On the road to Emmaus, two of Jesus disciples had the whole picture explained to them why the death of Jesus was necessary, why his story didn't end in death. Why... even today he lives. Metallica were wrong. God does not fail, he operates on a different level.... where the contexts of victory and defeat are fundamentally altered.

What mankind often conceptually regards as victory or defeat, often differ greatly from the real concepts of victory or defeat that God would have us understand.

For of man's victories he says:

And he told them this parable: "The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.'

"Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, "You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry." '

"But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?'

"This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God." - Luke 12:16-21

Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?" Luke 9:23-25

God is not against us making the most of our earthly lives... but his desire is us to live our temporal lives in a proper context. What is the point of living it up... if we deny ourselves the opportunity to enjoy the true riches which God promises? This is what the whole book of Ecclesiastes is about - the futility of living life "under the sun", just living this life in a "what you see is what you get" fashion. There is more, much more in life for us to experience than the brief joys of material gain.

Jesus promises that:

"I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:9,10

Live life above the Sun and in the Son.

Don't always trust your own perception of life's situations, trust in the Lord:

For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength. - 1 Corinthians 1:25

Finally I leave you with some quotes I gleaned from the trailer to the Return of the King:

There can be no triumph
without loss

No victory
without suffering

No freedom
without sacrifice


All you have to decide is what to do with the time given to you.

Cats Claws versus God's Love

Earlier today I was talking with Sue - a good friend of mine, with regard to my recent conclusions about having to face my past. Despite knowing I've got to go back and face some of my issues over the past, I am reluctant to do it and keep putting it off. While I was talking to Sue, a story from my past bubble to the surface and it proved to be a good analogy of what perhaps lies ahead:

Several years ago, when he was still alive, my mum tried to carry our Tomcat down the stairs. Nothing unusual in that at all... she'd done it countless times before, but this time was different. On that occasion, Mum somehow lost grip... and Tonic took a tumble down the wooden slope.

He was completely unhurt on the outside, but it had given him a nasty scare. From that day onwards, if anyone tried to carry him down the stairs, he would hiss and growl until he was put back down on the floor. He had lost his trust in people's ability to carry him safely.

This went on some time, until I finally resolved to do something. Tonic was sat at the top of the stairs, he wanted to go down but couldn't be bothered. He kept looking up at me wondering what I would do... but we both knew what he would do if I picked him up. Despite this, I knew what I had to do. I reached down and lifted up Tonic.

Sure enough he started hissing and spitting but I hugged him firmly but gently to my chest. I took a step down the stairs and it was then that I felt his claws go in just below my collar bones - OUCH.

I'm not one to give in easily and so I took another step, tighter went the claws. This continued as we went down the staircase... but I carried on regardless. About three quarters of the way down Tonic relaxed his claws and the pain slowly ebbed away. I went back and forth up the stairs several times. Eventually by remaining steadfast, I banished Tonic's fear to a place where it would not come back from... and restored his faith.

I believe God is saying that in my situation, I am just like that cat... and that no matter what nasty scares memory and time have lying in wait for me... they will not overcome me. He will hold me close by as surely as I did with Tonic.... even if it hurts him. As human beings we get emotional, especially when forced to confront something we find unpleasant. However, Christians know that we have a God who is steadfast, faithful and true. It doesn't matter how much our fear causes us to dig our claws in - he loves us all the same. Two thousand years ago, our sin, anger and fear... the things that separate us from God drew Christ's blood out on the cross. It is through that blood, that sacrifice we are saved.

If Christ was willing to bear with us to his very death, over our disobedience... then we can have confidence that he will still bear with us when we suffer and our sinful nature and vulnerability lash out at him because of our obedience.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." - 1 Peter 5:6-11

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30

Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." - Matthew 28:18-20

Earlier today, I listened to the U2 track that used to be on my website. Though the whole song is enlightening and relevant - I feel I may have kept you long enough, so I'll just quote a little from it:

Take my hand

You know I'll be there,

If you can I'll cross

The sky for your love

And I understand

These winds and tides,

This change of times

Won't drag you away.

Hold on, hold on tightly,

Hold on and don't let go

Of my love.

The storms will pass

It won't be long now.

The storms will pass

But my love lasts forever.

And take my hand,

You know I'll be there,

If you can I'll cross the sky

For your love.

Give you what I hold dear,

Hold on, hold on tightly.

Hold on, hold on tightly.

Rise up, rise up with wings,

Like eagles you'll run, you'll run.

You'll run and not grow weary.

Blessings

N